Triggers

I’ve got a confession to make.

I got triggered.

There was a shift in the conversation. Something in the dynamic changed. A word. A tone… and I reacted.

That’s how I knew.

I didn’t respond the way I normally would. It went from all the fail-safes straight to a knee-jerk reaction.

Where did that come from?
Once the conversation was over, of course.

Ah… you got triggered, Carlitos.

Oh yes. Indeed.

It triggered something deep in me. The part of the old Carlos that’s still not healed.

I thought I was past it. I’ve done the work. Spent time on my own. Felt steady.

But I haven’t been in a relationship for a while.

I hadn’t been tested.

Then I was.

And it showed me what’s still there.

I recognize this.

Similar situations in the past have made me react because something in me gets touched.

A wound.

And I’ve worked on that. On seeing those experiences for what they are… past. On being careful not to project them onto what’s in front of me.

That’s my intention.

To learn from this. To stay with what’s real, not what I carry.

But that work gets murky.

Because when the emotion comes up, it’s hard to tell what’s coming from clarity… and what’s coming from hurt.

And I got hurt.

So I stopped it there.

I can see it now. When something is still active in me, it doesn’t take much for it to come up.

And if I keep going from that place, it won’t end well.

That’s where things get said that don’t need to be said. Where something simple turns into something bigger.

I can see how I hurt you, even if that wasn’t my intention.

I can see how that moment felt for you, being on the receiving end of my reaction.

I can see how, in that moment, you needed me… and I wasn’t.

I regret that.

Because that moment ended up hurting something that was actually beautiful.

So sometimes the work is recognizing that.

Recognizing that there’s still more to do.

And choosing not to keep moving forward from a place that’s not clear.

I’m sorry for the hurt.

Please forgive my behavior.

I wasn’t at my best.

I was hurting too.

Know that there is love and respect for you… siempre.